Camino Cesar Chavez - An Editorial

Do you guys think this is fun for me? Sitting around, talking about superheroes like they're the only thing that matter in what must be a meaningless existence of mine? And also talking shit about Wolverine all the time because I mentioned hating him once so now it's part of my blog persona?

I mean honestly he isn't as awful as I make him out to be. He's really just a symbol for a lot of things I do hate, like dark and edgy "heroes," the need to include fan favorites into every plot line whether it works in context or not, and Hugh Jackman, my real enemy.

Javert should have shot your punk ass, 24601.

Well I fucking love it. In real life, I'm a regular nerd who falls in love with crazy people and knows too much about English culture at the turn of the century. But here, I'm an angry nerd with opinions and stuff.

But occasionally, real life becomes slightly important. For example, they're renaming a street in my city after Cesar Chavez. This matters especially to me because my sister is an activist who organized the first Cesar Chavez day in this city, and worked with the people who were instrumental in getting this street renamed, including Cesar Chavez's niece, Mimi Chavez.

"Who is Cesar Chavez?" you ask. Well, he was a Mexican-American, raised by migrant farm workers, who got a law degree but went back to the fields to organize protests that would seriously improve conditions for Latino and Filipino farm workers.

Now, if you know something about Cesar Chavez but not a lot about him, you're thinking "Wait, he helped Filipinos? Was this some sort of indirect side effect?" No, it wasn't. Cesar Chavez was actually instrumental in uniting farm workers of all races so they could form a meaningful union. Unless you had a really liberal history teacher with a boner for civil rights, you probably didn't learn that because it doesn't fit in with the narrative that says people of minorities can only really help people of the same minority.

Why do you think that no one ever talks about Martin Luther King Jr.'s radical pro-labor views? Or about how Harriet Tubman worked as a spy for the Union? I think the reason Barack Obama freaks people out so much is because he's a black guy with views on things other than black rights.

And for all of you guys who were thinking this wasn't going to be a superhero-related post, you're slightly wrong. I've mentioned before about my, ahem, concern that minorities in comic books are handled badly, if they're handled at all. You either get minority characters who are so whitewashed that their ethnicity is only mentioned in a footnote somewhere, or they're a walking stereotype, like a teen growing up in the rough side of El Paso, struggling in school and having a drug-dealing aunt as an enemy.

Also he gets his powers from an evil alien race that illegally immigrates to Earth. Real subtle, DC. 

We have this idea in our heads that Latino is something that has to define someone fully, if it defines someone at all. Superman is the boy scout. Batman is the brooding loner. Lantern Stewart is the Marine. Jaime Reyes, the third Blue Beetle, is the Mexican. And if you're the Mexican, you don't get to be anything else.

Anyway, so they're renaming this street - which is a major street, by the way - Camino Cesar Chavez. Now, this is a pretty long name for a street, but I guess it's a small price to pay in exchange for recognizing that Latino-Americans did things in America once. So I won't complain, because representation happens in small steps that are usually slightly offensive at first. Right, Immigrant Alien Blue Beetle?

Jaime Reyes approves his slightly stereotypical portrayal.

But, with Camino Cesar Chavez, people are still complaining. Specifically, people are complaining because "camino" in Spanish refers to a little street, not a big street. Never mind that the street being renamed is a major street, probably bigger than our MLK Boulevard. The name doesn't connotate the level of grandeur these assholes are looking for.

Like, seriously? I love complaining as much as Batman loves feeling sad on rooftops and Speedy loves shooting up heroin. But some things are actually important - even more important than that rush of joy you get when you tell people that the guy who plays the archetypal badass in the Marvel Universe also portrayed a gay guy in a musical.

I'm the best at what I do, and what I do is look fabulous!

But this is real life. Latinos everywhere are desperate for someone - anyone - to serve as a Latino role model. The closest thing we have to that right now is Tony Stark, the alcoholic who's apparently too embarrassed of our community to ever talk about us, and Cesar Chavez, a historical figure that our society keeps mentioning vaguely, in passing, before getting back to the white folks.

So why, when people are taking the small steps necessary to bring attention to this historical giant, are you trying to bring these small accomplishments down? Now isn't the time for your goddamn negativity. Now is the time to make change.

Caowinman vs. Females

So I'd love to tell you all about the recent episodes of Arrow, The Flash, and Gotham  - an awful show, a great show, and a show I liked but whose last episode freaked me out.

Do I like boys or girls? I like it when you're a powerful criminal and not a perverted weirdo.

I'd love to complain that Arrow keeps getting rid of my favorite female characters, letting Felicity work for the competition, killing off Sara and literally stuffing her into a fridge, and turning Lila (spelling? I don't read my television shows) into a pregnant lady instead of a super badass spy, while trying to make me like Laurel, the only character in a superhero story I've ever hated as much as Wolverine.

But you guys, I met a woman who was funny! Not funny like Harley Quinn, that hilarious jokester who may or may not also be a murderous sociopath. Funny like I never thought a female personage could be so horrible.

Maybe I'm being unfair. But read this text conversation between me and this chick,

ME: Another Alan Moore Story. The guy hated superhero conventions more than I hate Wolverine., I guess.
HER: :O How can you hate Wolverine? We can't be friends anymore.

At this point, I should have agreed, but instead I explained why I hate him (by sending her pictures of him, which should be explanation enough.) She mentioned liking that alpha male thing, so I said:

ME: I love the cheerful jokesters. Our only overlap is probably Deadpool.
HER: Possibly. I don't know his character.

At this point, I told her the only way I wouldn't delete her number was if she let me make fun of her on my blog. Apparently, she responded to that sort of "alpha male" demand, that she let me exploit her for comedy, so she acquiesced. Or, alternatively, she realized that no one reads this blog except for me.

And, in my fantasies, Felicity Smoak.

In fact, I'd tell her how I'd much rather date Felicity, or Fish Mooney, or even Amanda Waller (from the comics, even) but I'm pretty sure it'd go over her head. Either way, any girl who doesn't know about Deadpool is clearly not the girl for me. She can date Wolverine for all I care.

Of course, for Wolverine to be interested, she'll have to be Cyclops' girl first.

It's All a Fucking Joke

I haven't written in three weeks, guys. I'm sure you're all wondering what's been happening. Did I get arrested for a crime? Did I just now get acquitted because the crime was totally justified? Did I perhaps murder someone for trying to defend Wolverine?

No guys, I was doing training for the Army National Guard. Now, having said that, I feel like I have to let you know something. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm obligated by army rules and whatnot, and I'm not trying to get sent to some army prison, or worse yet forced to take down my blog.

Here goes. Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed on this blog are mine and mine alone. These views and opinions do not necessarily represent those of the United States Military, the Army, the Army National Guard, or any other part of the US Government.

Yay! Now my blog isn't in violation of the Uniform Code of Military Justice! I'm pretty sure you could have figured out that these aren't official opinions either way though. I mean, why would "fuck Wolverine" be an official Army position?

Other than the obvious reasons, of course.

But these past few weeks, I've been thinking a lot about the military, if only because they have been making me walk up and down mountains with all my gear plus a fifty pound javelin, only to get told that we wouldn't even get to fire it.

Sure, we stayed up all night, waiting for the vehicles to shoot at. "Here comes an enemy tank!" Nope, that's one of ours. "Enemy helicopters!" Nope, that chopper sound was the wind. "Watch out, enemy dismounts in military trucks!" THAT'S A FUCKING CIVILIAN VEHICLE. Who was even calling in this information? Daredevil?

Daredevil, for those who don't know, is blind.

But anyway, I decided that I should probably talk about a superhero who served in the military, particularly one that represents the character of soldiers everywhere, someone who you can look at and say, "Yes! That is America." I'm talking, of course, about Watchmen's Comedian.

Two weapons and a belt of ammo slung over his shoulder? Looks more military than that boy scout with the flag costume.

I'm sure you're waiting for the "just kidding, I meant Captain America" moment, but it's not coming any more than my senior prom date was. I actually want to talk about The Comedian, a costumed vigilante from Watchmen who served in Vietnam. He calls himself a comedian but the only comedy he's into is jokes about the impending nuclear apocalypse.

Alan Moore, in his 12-part series Watchmen, takes an in-depth look into the kind of person that would put on a costume and fight crime. Specifically, a crazy person. The Comedian, for example, is someone who really just wants to fuck shit up. He smokes cigars, rejoices in violence, and is only nominally on the side of justice.

Now, if you're clever, you're probably realizing something right now. "Caowin, isn't there another cigar-smoking vigilante that you criticize all the time for being hyper violent? Someone who's also really dark and edgy? Perhaps someone with adamantium claws and the ability to regenerate?"

"Perhaps this man right here?"

My first response would be to tell you to tie your Wolverine bed sheet into a noose and hang yourself. But, of course, I wouldn't have brought up your pointed question without having an answer for you, and besides, you only ask these questions to hear me rant more, and I'm trying to make this article longer anyway.

So here's the rant right here.The Comedian and Wolverine are both dicks. But The Comedian is supposed to be a dick. You're not supposed to like him. You're supposed to be like, "Goddamn, a world where this passes for a hero would definitely be a pretty shitty world to live in."

But what Alan Moore didn't anticipate was the fact that his stories would lead to comic books with heroes just as dark and edgy as his, the only difference being they are still somehow being portrayed as good guys.

"A world where this passes for a hero would definitely be a pretty shitty world to live in"? That's the world we live in now. I don't want to sound like I think I know what's best for people, but when I hear someone say "Wolverine is awesome!" all I hear is "I have lost all hope."

A despair-inducing image

Wolverine is given a tragic back story that lets you know he's only a douche because he's been hurt before. The Comedian is given an awful back story that lets you know that he likes to kill Vietnamese civilians, encourage riots, and rape people.

Wolverine is shown being praised by more traditional heroes and always doing the right thing somehow. The Comedian is constantly shown killing people who really aren't that bad, not getting along with his teammates, and, to reiterate, raping people.

And this is really where my disdain for dark and edgy superheroes comes from. If you're trying to portray someone as a role model, as a warrior for light, as a paragon of everything that is good, then you better make damn sure your character is exactly that.

I mean, that's the awesome thing about superheroes. No matter how corny the values they represent are, they always win. They prove that you can be 100% good and still win the fist fight. If you take away the saccharine goodness of a superhero, all you have is one person punching harder than another.

Wolverine is meant to be a hero. The Comedian is meant to be an omen. And that's why The Comedian's motto isn't "I'm the best at what I do, and what I do is whatever I'm about to go do right now." Instead, Alan Moore gives him a catchphrase that much better reflects the sort of moral apathy his character clearly has. Specifically:

And if your good guys aren't actually that good, then a fucking joke is all it'll ever be. 

The Dawn of Reviews

Readers, it's been a long time since I have inundated your minds with my soft, sweet words, which seep into your brain through your eyes and fill your brain with offensive thoughts. (I stand by that description of my style.)

But since we've last talked, I've started looking at the world with that brand of logic and temperance that makes someone an adult. Time has tempered my tastes, taking away my tragic thoughtlessness with each tick.

Just kidding, guys! The only difference between old Caowin and new Caowin is that new Caowin really likes long, poetic descriptions. (I took an English class, okay? I thought it would make me a writer but all it did was make me obsessed with alliteration. Not worth it at all.)

The teacher didn't even let us stand on the desks. What a sham.

And speaking of culture (kind of) and things I'm interested in (which is basically all I ever talk about), I have been binge-watching superhero shows on Netflix like a fat girl binge-watches herself going through three gallons of ice cream after a bad break up. (Probably while also binge-watching Netflix. I don't know. Fat girls are weird.)

And let me be clear. I have stayed the fuck away from anything Marvel. Not that I have anything against the really good Marvel stuff - and by "really good Marvel stuff" I mean Deadpool. Deadpool is a badass and if you say otherwise I will find you, tie you up, and throatfuck you with a replica of one of Deadpool's katana swords.

But the rest of the universe - the parts of it that are not Deadpool - are basically a bunch of whiny teenagers, freaky monsters, and grownups trying way too hard to be edgy, usually with Wolverine thrown on the cover so that you idiots will buy something that actually has nothing to do with him.

I hope you're forced to fist your own asshole with those claws, you smug jerk.

No, I've been obsessed with DC superheroes, which in the comic books and animated universe, is basically Marvel without all the stupid angst that makes me hate Marvel so much. Of course, the DC Movieverse throws this all out the window, with movie after movie that keeps trying to convince me that I should feel bad for people who get to spend their free time punching the shit out of everything.

"Boo hoo! I just got to destroy every building in Metropolis and then kill an alien!"

Anyway, long story short, I'm starting this blog and using it to talk shit about superheroes, in a series I'm calling CaowinMan. I might do it on individual superheroes, on seasons, on whole shows. I should probably keep the scope of the individual articles pretty narrow, if only because I know I'm only going to spend about half the article actually talking about that thing.

Until then, remember: Wolverine is a dick.

I hope that cigar gives you supercancer.