It's All a Fucking Joke

I haven't written in three weeks, guys. I'm sure you're all wondering what's been happening. Did I get arrested for a crime? Did I just now get acquitted because the crime was totally justified? Did I perhaps murder someone for trying to defend Wolverine?

No guys, I was doing training for the Army National Guard. Now, having said that, I feel like I have to let you know something. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm obligated by army rules and whatnot, and I'm not trying to get sent to some army prison, or worse yet forced to take down my blog.

Here goes. Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed on this blog are mine and mine alone. These views and opinions do not necessarily represent those of the United States Military, the Army, the Army National Guard, or any other part of the US Government.

Yay! Now my blog isn't in violation of the Uniform Code of Military Justice! I'm pretty sure you could have figured out that these aren't official opinions either way though. I mean, why would "fuck Wolverine" be an official Army position?

Other than the obvious reasons, of course.

But these past few weeks, I've been thinking a lot about the military, if only because they have been making me walk up and down mountains with all my gear plus a fifty pound javelin, only to get told that we wouldn't even get to fire it.

Sure, we stayed up all night, waiting for the vehicles to shoot at. "Here comes an enemy tank!" Nope, that's one of ours. "Enemy helicopters!" Nope, that chopper sound was the wind. "Watch out, enemy dismounts in military trucks!" THAT'S A FUCKING CIVILIAN VEHICLE. Who was even calling in this information? Daredevil?

Daredevil, for those who don't know, is blind.

But anyway, I decided that I should probably talk about a superhero who served in the military, particularly one that represents the character of soldiers everywhere, someone who you can look at and say, "Yes! That is America." I'm talking, of course, about Watchmen's Comedian.

Two weapons and a belt of ammo slung over his shoulder? Looks more military than that boy scout with the flag costume.

I'm sure you're waiting for the "just kidding, I meant Captain America" moment, but it's not coming any more than my senior prom date was. I actually want to talk about The Comedian, a costumed vigilante from Watchmen who served in Vietnam. He calls himself a comedian but the only comedy he's into is jokes about the impending nuclear apocalypse.

Alan Moore, in his 12-part series Watchmen, takes an in-depth look into the kind of person that would put on a costume and fight crime. Specifically, a crazy person. The Comedian, for example, is someone who really just wants to fuck shit up. He smokes cigars, rejoices in violence, and is only nominally on the side of justice.

Now, if you're clever, you're probably realizing something right now. "Caowin, isn't there another cigar-smoking vigilante that you criticize all the time for being hyper violent? Someone who's also really dark and edgy? Perhaps someone with adamantium claws and the ability to regenerate?"

"Perhaps this man right here?"

My first response would be to tell you to tie your Wolverine bed sheet into a noose and hang yourself. But, of course, I wouldn't have brought up your pointed question without having an answer for you, and besides, you only ask these questions to hear me rant more, and I'm trying to make this article longer anyway.

So here's the rant right here.The Comedian and Wolverine are both dicks. But The Comedian is supposed to be a dick. You're not supposed to like him. You're supposed to be like, "Goddamn, a world where this passes for a hero would definitely be a pretty shitty world to live in."

But what Alan Moore didn't anticipate was the fact that his stories would lead to comic books with heroes just as dark and edgy as his, the only difference being they are still somehow being portrayed as good guys.

"A world where this passes for a hero would definitely be a pretty shitty world to live in"? That's the world we live in now. I don't want to sound like I think I know what's best for people, but when I hear someone say "Wolverine is awesome!" all I hear is "I have lost all hope."

A despair-inducing image

Wolverine is given a tragic back story that lets you know he's only a douche because he's been hurt before. The Comedian is given an awful back story that lets you know that he likes to kill Vietnamese civilians, encourage riots, and rape people.

Wolverine is shown being praised by more traditional heroes and always doing the right thing somehow. The Comedian is constantly shown killing people who really aren't that bad, not getting along with his teammates, and, to reiterate, raping people.

And this is really where my disdain for dark and edgy superheroes comes from. If you're trying to portray someone as a role model, as a warrior for light, as a paragon of everything that is good, then you better make damn sure your character is exactly that.

I mean, that's the awesome thing about superheroes. No matter how corny the values they represent are, they always win. They prove that you can be 100% good and still win the fist fight. If you take away the saccharine goodness of a superhero, all you have is one person punching harder than another.

Wolverine is meant to be a hero. The Comedian is meant to be an omen. And that's why The Comedian's motto isn't "I'm the best at what I do, and what I do is whatever I'm about to go do right now." Instead, Alan Moore gives him a catchphrase that much better reflects the sort of moral apathy his character clearly has. Specifically:

And if your good guys aren't actually that good, then a fucking joke is all it'll ever be.