The Dawn of Reviews

Readers, it's been a long time since I have inundated your minds with my soft, sweet words, which seep into your brain through your eyes and fill your brain with offensive thoughts. (I stand by that description of my style.)

But since we've last talked, I've started looking at the world with that brand of logic and temperance that makes someone an adult. Time has tempered my tastes, taking away my tragic thoughtlessness with each tick.

Just kidding, guys! The only difference between old Caowin and new Caowin is that new Caowin really likes long, poetic descriptions. (I took an English class, okay? I thought it would make me a writer but all it did was make me obsessed with alliteration. Not worth it at all.)

The teacher didn't even let us stand on the desks. What a sham.

And speaking of culture (kind of) and things I'm interested in (which is basically all I ever talk about), I have been binge-watching superhero shows on Netflix like a fat girl binge-watches herself going through three gallons of ice cream after a bad break up. (Probably while also binge-watching Netflix. I don't know. Fat girls are weird.)

And let me be clear. I have stayed the fuck away from anything Marvel. Not that I have anything against the really good Marvel stuff - and by "really good Marvel stuff" I mean Deadpool. Deadpool is a badass and if you say otherwise I will find you, tie you up, and throatfuck you with a replica of one of Deadpool's katana swords.

But the rest of the universe - the parts of it that are not Deadpool - are basically a bunch of whiny teenagers, freaky monsters, and grownups trying way too hard to be edgy, usually with Wolverine thrown on the cover so that you idiots will buy something that actually has nothing to do with him.

I hope you're forced to fist your own asshole with those claws, you smug jerk.

No, I've been obsessed with DC superheroes, which in the comic books and animated universe, is basically Marvel without all the stupid angst that makes me hate Marvel so much. Of course, the DC Movieverse throws this all out the window, with movie after movie that keeps trying to convince me that I should feel bad for people who get to spend their free time punching the shit out of everything.

"Boo hoo! I just got to destroy every building in Metropolis and then kill an alien!"

Anyway, long story short, I'm starting this blog and using it to talk shit about superheroes, in a series I'm calling CaowinMan. I might do it on individual superheroes, on seasons, on whole shows. I should probably keep the scope of the individual articles pretty narrow, if only because I know I'm only going to spend about half the article actually talking about that thing.

Until then, remember: Wolverine is a dick.

I hope that cigar gives you supercancer.